Suicide!

It was a windy Saturday morning. The trees rustled behind the grey coloured bungalow. The dogs gingerly barked at the opening of doors and cockerels crowed at a distance. The power cut wasn’t a surprise as it had become a nocturnal ritual perfectly accustomed to.

A mixture of sadness and grief hits me as I awake on this contrasting beautiful morn. I roll over lazily before getting up for morning devotion. It was another day of contemplating the end of this frail life of mine. I entered into the bathroom and poured some water over my face. It seemed a mirror of myself appeared in my mind’s eye. And there I am, leaving this hot air, the faintness and lusterless life.

I easily found my way from the bathroom, to the corridor and down to the sitting room. It was time to worship God and thank him for another day. I muttered within myself “these people do not know i’m far from grateful”. I simply needed a perfect time to leave them unannounced. I joined in the chorus, somewhat hypocritically. I really didn’t think this vague figure I’ve always been told about had me in his hands. If he did, my life would be far from what it is now.

Opening my mouth and clapping my hands, I sang but not with my heart- “He’s got the whole world in his hands. He’s got the whole wide world, in his hands. He’s the whole world, in his hands. He’s got the whole world in his hands”. My mind runs a fast monologue, as I continue at devotion. What’s the use of being here when I was simply a liability? I’m up today and down tomorrow, how does this life of mine count? Does it add value to any one? I can’t continue to remain in this kind of terrible and excruciating pains for the rest of my life. Must I?

I curled my feet against each other as it grew cold from placing them on the white tiles hugging the floor. The pains from the previous day jolting through my bones and making me tense my muscles. I hear dad saying, ” sin would prevent us from getting to heaven and we must avoid it at all cost”. Prayer’s over. I stepped into my room, muscles still tensed and throbbing with pain.

I was just fifteen but it seemed I was fifty already. Always angry and bitter at life for the fair share I’ve had.

I’ve had enough of the pain episodes, bone pain crisis and acute chest syndrome. The crying and shrieks accompanied by a crisis. Worst of all, it came up any time and any day. No respect for occasions, examinations and plans. I’ve had enough.” It’s far better to end it here and now”, I thought.  I went quietly into the blue tilled kitchen, closed the door gently behind me in order not to alert anybody. I picked it up from the cabinet. I knew if I was to do this, I mustn’t let the world hear. It had to be quiet and quick.

The sunshine beamed through the window, intruding, as if to prevent me from accomplishing my mission. I was determined, hence, I ignored it nosiness.

I tiptoed to the pantry and placed the cold icy tip on my belly. I closed my eyes and summoned the courage to drive it in. I wasn’t capable of dealing with it any longer. My energy was drained. I really should put a quick end to the frustrating life I had. Always the one to be hospitalized, always the one to use drugs like a junkie. It was tiring and I was totally sick of it.

I needed a break! A total one at that.

As the pressure from my trembling fingers mounted, I suddenly realised it wasn’t simply about yesterday and today, how about tomorrow? I hadn’t given it a thought.

I went down, broken and in tears. The black, sharp and shinny object glided out of my hands. I wept profusely. Would I rather wander into the region of Hades because I was too blinded by my pains and self centered not to see the beauty and purpose underlying all of the chaos? or would I choose to live out in total surrender and obedience, the course God had charted for me as the master planner.

Silence.
It wasn’t over yet.

A flood of peace swept through me as He spoke to my heart lovingly and gave me a blessed assurance. If I turned away on the day of battle, it simply shows how little my strength is.

No longer do I call it my fair share, it is my blessed share. I’ve learnt to trust Him in the gloomy darkness, I’ve learnt to rest in His unfailing love. I’ve learnt to lean on the shoulders of the One who can carry me. I’ve learnt to walk in his grace, without which I am nothing. I’ve come to see his strength showcased even when this unadorned jar of clay seems to be saddled with weakness or pain. I’ve experienced the joy that wells from within even when on the outside there’s nothing to be pretty excited about.

Yeah, I may be terrorized. I’m not demoralised. I could be struck down but i’m not broken.

So, I’m not giving up. How could I? Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on me, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for me. There’s far more here than meets the eye. The things I see now are here today and gone tomorrow. But the things which I can’t see will last forever.

On that windy Saturday night, I began to rest on his unchanging grace. The high, stormy gales and tempest aren’t strong enough to take off this anchor. It holds even in the fiercest of storms. It’s a blessed hope.

This isn’t a story, Its my life.

With love,

Omotola

Bible Reference Personalised: 2Cor4:16-18 TM.

52 Comments

  1. I read this tonight with tears in my eyes. You give me hope. You are a very strong lady. I envy ur courage and boldness to face all dis. God keep you safe always. I love you

  2. Wow! Thank God for His grace upon ur life. its good dat u stood on promises of Christ to always b wit u till d end of time. am so so happy for u!

  3. Had tears in my eyes too, Mama. There are just some situations that mk us doubt d use of being here… The peace of God is always of immense importance! May we continue to be strengthened in His Love

  4. Wow! Its so Touching..I don’t knw when The Tear Started Rolling down#May U be Forever Filled with Joy!!!I love yur courage

  5. Bless u sis! You’ve been able to successfully acquire much strength by being a source of inspiration to countless souls. I appreciate your courage, boldness and dedication in this battle to ‘stay alive’. God is your strength. Pls keep the gospel flowing, “suicide is not an option” I’m inspired

  6. This is a very well crafted piece….the emotions and transitions are palpable. I’m inspired! Thanks for firing your pen.

  7. Even when we feel pain and troubles around, God is surely lifting us up. Because we know Christ, we Know Peace and Life.
    Thanks, Omotee.
    Don’t stop writing.

  8. Thank God for your life… You are a blessing to this generation.

  9. Ephesians 1:19, Be strong in d Lord and in d power of his might. God’s grace is sufficient for u and his power is made manifest in our weaknesses. When we abandon ourselves to him even in d most difficult and painful situations, we tend to understand his love for us in a more deeper way. D Lord is ur strength dear

  10. SUICIDE! Crossed my mind at least 1 time. For the other times I felt like dying, I wanted a ‘Godcide’ . But GOD! For every,time I thought it was over, He’s proven that He’s just starting. It’s those times when we’re at our lowest that God comes through. Omotola, this story isn’t just yours, it’s mine too. God’s teaching me daily not to be fazed or depressed by what’s going on now. My future isn’t determined by circumstances, Its determined by GOD! Killing one’s self is not just worth. Romans 8:18 is my ‘go-to’ word. KEEP IT UP LOVE!

    • Thanks Sis. I’m encouraged all the more. God comes through for us when we’re sinking in despair. He shines his light of hope our way when we seem to be falling under the weight of much pain and depression. He remains God, our present help in trouble.

    • So glad you are alive too. Quite a number of us have gone through issues be it physical, mental, emotional and at times spiritual, that makes us wish to end it all. But we have a hope in Christ, because He lives we can face tomorrow, sukiyo tuyamo, stay strong dear.

  11. Touchè.

  12. Thanks Sis. I’m encouraged all the more. God comes through for us when we’re sinking in despair. He shines his light of hope our way when we seem to be falling under the weight of much pain and depression. He remains God, our present help in trouble.

  13. Hummmm…short of words…*sobs*…but bliv me suicide is not an option…the Lord dat has been doing it has never stopped n he will never stop…bliv me d BEST is yet to come…don’t give up my dear…I so much admire ur courage…I look up to u 4 alot…and I mean ALOT!!!

  14. Despite all,u are mentally strong. In ur ups&downs God still proves himself,kudos to him. This is nt about u alone bt also to the weak and hopeless. May God continue to strengthen u more&more.

  15. Once there is a will,there is a way! Hope is what keeps us going …never lose hope!Life is beautiful & precious! Treasure it

  16. Touching!
    This is one of the rare heartfelt piece I have ever seen and read. God is your strength. I believe you are God glory work in progress and we all have to deal with pains and challenges of afflictions to draw strength for the journey to our divine purpose on earth. More Grace.

  17. hi, dear… I am glad God showed up and gave you the will to go on. I wish you more of God’s strength and companionship. yes, the road may be rough but I pray your spirit never stumble. God bless you.

  18. psalm 30:5
    you’ll weep no more! God will increase u in knowledge and understanding. Love you Omotola

  19. Love this it encouraging more greese to ur elbow would be looking forward to see more of this

  20. Trying to keep the tear-drop from falling, I read on to the end, wishing it was not your story though it felt so real but alas it was, so with gratitude in my heart I bless God for stepping in, not just granting you life but granting us all the opportunity of being blessed by your life. The thought kept coming, I could have missed the privilege of meeting such a special friend…I need you to survive.

    • Funmi, I’m glad you’re blessed by my life. It’s a blessing to have known you as well. I’m glad God brought you my way. I need you to survive too.

  21. This is more than inspiring. It touches the depth of our hearts. I celebrate God’s grace working in you.
    Just got one Word LIVE and LIVE to the FULLEST!

  22. Inspiring! I read this piece with a kind of patronising well meaning empathy. You are a light to your world. God’s grace and strength is sufficient for you. Live Strong!

  23. Christ is indeed the hope of our glory!thank God U decided 2 live 4 Him. The grace of God that has kept U this far is able 2 sustain U to the end. U r a blessing 2 this generation.

  24. Dt perfect piece, strong enof to give hope to d hopeless. I admire ur ideas.

  25. That perfect piece, strong enough to give hope to the hopeless. I admire your IDEA.

  26. Dis is everyone’s story.. Life is nt a bed of roses,therefore somtyms in life, evil thoughts comes to mind.. Av gotten to dat stage in life where I look up only to God n nt man.. Every problems, challenges n issues of my life is only to God.. He only can do all.. M inspired sis.. It is well wit us..

    • Yeah, you are right Dola! God is the ultimate, He is supposed to always be our source at all times. We tend to forget that occasionally, but we should keep it at the back and “front” of our minds.

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